Tuesday before Christmas...
Oh my god this is so f****** hard.
I feel so frustrated . This morning's session felt like an utter failure.
I am having the hardest time holding and balancing the clubs in order position.
I've hit myself in the head so many times that now every time I swing the clubs up to order I'm flinching which is creating stiffness and pain in my neck.
I have got to figure out what I am doing wrong. It can't be this hard! WTF
I find that sweet spot and hit it about 1x in 100!
After about 5 minutes into my workout I wanted to just throw the clubs and quit!
Roxanne kept her steady pace like a metronome as I flailed my Clubbells about and finally yelled aloud at myself "these are just f****** clubbells! come on!"
Roxanne stood beside me continuing her swipes being a silent support holding space and allowing me to have my temper tantrum encouraging me to just let it out.
I kept on task. As hard as it was I didn't quit. I finished all the rounds
I just yelled and swore A LOT the whole rest of the time.
The self defeating thoughts finally took over as I began my cool down moving into the compensation movements and I did it, I burst into tears. As my tense muscles released so did the wall holding back my emotion. I cried right there laying on the floor creating a puddle of tears. Feeling like a complete failure. I reached defeat! I have heard of this happening to people but it has never happened to me before. And now I understand the mentally defeated process on a whole new level.
Yes I am feeling physically exhausted and my body is tired, but the defeat came because I have not been taking care of myself nutritionally or emotionally. My work schedule has been extra hectic and crazy with the holidays, and I've allowed myself to become emotionally overwhelmed. I know that when I allow myself to get to this place by not doing my internal work or morning meditation that it will definitely affect me physically. My energy goes, I feel weak and I become a total klutz.
The most simple task or communication becomes laborious and difficult.
When I am emotionally clogged I have no room in my head to focus on what I need to do. I know better than to try to come to my training sessions with my head full of unprocessed emotional baggage.
My lesson here is to do my emotional clearing on a regular basis so that I don't get backed up.
It's different when you're running or hitting mindless cardio you can get a release of endorphin's and sometimes sort everything out in your head while you're moving, But when it comes to technical movement that you're trying to learn you've got to have your head in the game. You must be fully present otherwise injury is often the result. I know that I've got to get my s*** together do my emotional processing work so that I have a clear head and I can do what I need to do to get through this intense process.
This is true in all areas of live. In order to be present and show up fully we need to take care of our emotional being on a consistent basis. This is a huge part of self care. Be in each moment, express yourself fully and don't shelf things to be dealt with later.
Oh my god this is so f****** hard.
I feel so frustrated . This morning's session felt like an utter failure.
I am having the hardest time holding and balancing the clubs in order position.
I've hit myself in the head so many times that now every time I swing the clubs up to order I'm flinching which is creating stiffness and pain in my neck.
I have got to figure out what I am doing wrong. It can't be this hard! WTF
I find that sweet spot and hit it about 1x in 100!
After about 5 minutes into my workout I wanted to just throw the clubs and quit!
Roxanne kept her steady pace like a metronome as I flailed my Clubbells about and finally yelled aloud at myself "these are just f****** clubbells! come on!"
Roxanne stood beside me continuing her swipes being a silent support holding space and allowing me to have my temper tantrum encouraging me to just let it out.
I kept on task. As hard as it was I didn't quit. I finished all the rounds
I just yelled and swore A LOT the whole rest of the time.
The self defeating thoughts finally took over as I began my cool down moving into the compensation movements and I did it, I burst into tears. As my tense muscles released so did the wall holding back my emotion. I cried right there laying on the floor creating a puddle of tears. Feeling like a complete failure. I reached defeat! I have heard of this happening to people but it has never happened to me before. And now I understand the mentally defeated process on a whole new level.
Yes I am feeling physically exhausted and my body is tired, but the defeat came because I have not been taking care of myself nutritionally or emotionally. My work schedule has been extra hectic and crazy with the holidays, and I've allowed myself to become emotionally overwhelmed. I know that when I allow myself to get to this place by not doing my internal work or morning meditation that it will definitely affect me physically. My energy goes, I feel weak and I become a total klutz.
The most simple task or communication becomes laborious and difficult.
When I am emotionally clogged I have no room in my head to focus on what I need to do. I know better than to try to come to my training sessions with my head full of unprocessed emotional baggage.
My lesson here is to do my emotional clearing on a regular basis so that I don't get backed up.
It's different when you're running or hitting mindless cardio you can get a release of endorphin's and sometimes sort everything out in your head while you're moving, But when it comes to technical movement that you're trying to learn you've got to have your head in the game. You must be fully present otherwise injury is often the result. I know that I've got to get my s*** together do my emotional processing work so that I have a clear head and I can do what I need to do to get through this intense process.
This is true in all areas of live. In order to be present and show up fully we need to take care of our emotional being on a consistent basis. This is a huge part of self care. Be in each moment, express yourself fully and don't shelf things to be dealt with later.
I am sorry for how hard this has been for you. It sucks :-(
ReplyDeleteI know you wish for just sympathy and acknowledgement of how hard this experience has been and you have it.
However, as an outsider to your personal experience I am able to look at your progress with an objectivity that you cannot. I know how diligent and focused you are and know that you are up for the challenge.
For now, at least you have found flow, if only in tears :)